Friday, May 30, 2014

#firstworldproblems

#firstworldproblems ... this sums up so much of my life in so many ways.   Earlier this week, I walked over to the local convenience (aka expensive!) store.  I bought two 20oz bottle of 7up for $2.22.  Very expensive! But I felt crappy and needed some bubbles.  So the one I opened and sipped on is on my desk, lid closed tight.  The new one is on the floor next to my lunchbox.   Well, I wanted a sip.  Guess who opened the new bottle?  This girl.  sommabitch Argh.  I was going to take that one home.  Now I have two open partially drank bottles of soda.  Boo.  I worry about the dumbest things, but to me?  These "stupid" mistakes add up.  Drives me batty.  Anyone else go through this??? #mistake #anxiety 

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

oh thank heaven (for 7-11)

On my lunch hour (yes I'm depressed yet somehow able to show up for work most days) and I wanted something to drink with bubbles in it.  I was hoping for a flavored mineral water, but 7-up was the closest I was able to get.  Upon check out, I asked for a lottery ticket as well.  It's just a dollar, no big deal, right?  I tried not to over think my small purchase, the other things I could buy with a dollar, what I would tell my husband if he knew my secret spending habits... and on and on.  Fortunately, those thoughts were quickly replaced with the next thought, what would I do if I won?  Maybe my little black dog would run away if I ignored him.
Would a multi-million (USD) dollar jackpot help my depression?  First off, I would probably buy the most comfortable bed, because mine is terrible and then if I did become depressed again, my favorite place of solace would be one of extreme comfort.  Gotta think practical here.  Maybe a house on a large plot of land so I didn't have to be near people if I didn't want to be.  Or is that enabling my condition further?  A castle with a moat?
Well, maybe not.  Might get a little creepy.  Seriously.  Would winning the lottery help or hurt people that suffer with depression?  SHARE! #lottery #anxiety #depression

Sunday, May 25, 2014

Throwing away all that we have learned

I have always been of the camp to say 'why do we spend a lifetime learning just to throw it all away at the end?' I think I am paraphrasing a famous quote there but I am not in a great state of mind to be bothered to 'google it' so to speak. We learn so much in our short time here on this planet. I feel like I have lived half a lifetime already. But what have I really gained besides street smarts, parallel parking skills and a knack for remembering song lyrics like my life depended on it? I am one of those people that agrees that the best way to learn is to travel and meet people. Experience other cultures. I am 30 and have never got my passport yet.  I can tell you all about California and maybe a few other places, but besides my Anthropology, my worldly experiences have been limited. Due to limited funding and having had to work pretty much 3-5 days a week since I was 18, that hasn't left a lot of time to get away.  I have a list of places I'd like to explore, not too many but a few. I wish I could get one of those jobs for people who like to travel. I could write about my experiences, take photographs and learn! Talk about a dream job! Maybe in my next life :-) #photography #anxiety #depression #memories #travel #culture


Thursday, May 22, 2014

Just living

I'm not sure how long I've felt this way.  The running joke is that I "came out with a displeased look" upon birth.  It says something like that in my baby book.  Since my mother and I aren't "friends" anymore (more on that later) I can't exactly ask her or see the book.  Either I knew what I was in for, or I'm just a natural skeptic, maybe both.  Contradictory? Yes.  Of course there have been good times, ones which I hope to share, to help balance this whole thing out.  I'm one of those rare types that haven't had some earth shattering bad thing to happen to me, which caused so much pain and anxiety.  A few years ago, while in a particularly bad depressive episode, my doctor prescribed me some anti-depressant meds and told me to attend 6 weeks of group therapy sessions with other people (also on the pills) and going through depressive times, to help sort out what was wrong.  There were about 10 of us.  Every day, I came in and sat down.  I was handed a piece of paper with pictures of expressive faces on them.  I was asked to choose which face most closely represented my feelings.  Mine was usually the face with the flat smile.  Not up, not down, just a straight line.  After that, we were asked to share about our feelings out loud, or just tell how we were doing.  Most everyone had some recent turn of events, death of a loved one, divorce, child was recently diagnosed as terminally ill... you get the point.  Me?  I'm just like "Um, yeah I'm just sad.  Really sad.  Nothing is inherently wrong with my life.  I have a place to live, my bills are paid, my car has gas in it, and I'm basically healthy. I'm just really sad and can't snap out of it.  I cry and cry and cry.  I don't have suicidal thoughts, I just don't want to be here or really anywhere."  That was about 2-3 years ago.
I'm still here, just living...  Trying to get through each day.  Which is sad in itself.  It's not easy to let go of the emotion you've known your whole life.  Some days are better than others.  Work stress, home stress, relationship stress.  It all takes a toll.  It's how you process it.  When you have a problem, it's better to speak up.  I can't tell you how many times something rude has been said to me and I didn't say anything.  Then later I find myself pissed and fuming.  I'm wondering why I allowed this person to hurt me.  Why me?  I'm always having crappy things said to me or about me and I don't think I'm so bad but I'm just a moving target I suppose.  It could also be because I don't speak up.  And in doing so, I am essentially giving my 'attacker' permission to hurt me in the future.  This may be the hardest lesson I ever learn in my life.  I'm 30 and I still haven't got the hang of it.  Maybe when I'm 60 I will look back and say hey, those last 30 years were better than the first because I stopped letting people hurt me! #pain #sadness #depression #anxiety #medication #skeptic #stress

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

The dog with no name

'Little black dog' is a metaphor used to describe depression and it can be traced back as far as Ancient times!  I dig this stuff as I studied Anthropology and Psychology in college (get it?).  But seriously, I know all about the little black dog, even before I knew it had a name.  Mine doesn't even have a name, perhaps we'll name him down the road.  Either way, depression is a scary and sometimes crippling condition.  It can take hold of your life, your mind, your spirit and it affects both males and females at all ages.  It can be brought upon by a trigger, such as illness or death of a loved one.  Mine is an accumulation of life- experiences, letdowns, failures.  It's always easier to focus on the negative, especially when you are already in a 'funk' or as I say 'not feeling well' (mentally).  So in an attempt to break free of this damned dog, (who I will call Tiny George) I share with you my life, in small stories.  Some are more recent, some are back from childhood.  Hopefully you will relate or help share some helpful insight.  Enjoy! #littleblackdog #depression #anxiety #millennial


Hello!

Hi and welcome to my blog 'little black dog for sale'.  This is a blog for everyone, from all backgrounds, to come and share their stories about their 'little black dog,' and whether they still have it, they sold it or perhaps it visits from time to time.  I will be sharing stories from my life, some funny, some sad, but hopefully all relatable! As a female millennial, I've got some unique perceptions of the world in its many forms and I'd love to hear from you guys and bounce some ideas back and forth! I've currently got my little black dog curled up at my feet, resting for now, but maybe you guys can help me find him a new home? #littleblackdog