It's all different, yet totally the same

I have moved, changed cars and changed jobs all about 19 times... each.  Since I was 17.  School schedules were always changing and my jobs weren't always accommodating.  My first favorite car was totaled (I wasn't in the car) and I've been chasing that ever since.  Some cars were too expensive to maintain or insure, some were gas guzzlers, too big, too uncomfortable, some I flipped for profit.  I always had a reason.  We've owned the same two cars now for almost 2 years.  That's almost a record for me! HA!  They're ten years old but they are both really good us.  I wish their ages/mileage were more staggered but I guess we'll have to see what happens.
I even changed schools (colleges).  I attended 2 junior colleges and 2 state colleges over the course of 8 years and I didn't even officially obtain my BA. On the upside, I have no student loan debt.  But the point remains, what I was able to control, didn't even help me succeed, I just danced sideways like a crab.
We bought a house last year.  It was the largest home on the largest lot in our price range, but with that came a laundry list of things to fix or update.  It's been 16 months since we got the keys and I can't wait to pass them on (maybe I can leave the pesky little black dog behind too!).  I will save this for a later blog.  Again, I want to move because I'm unhappy.  I need to get myself better before I can focus on things like choosing what laminate floor to put downstairs.

I work my job so I can drive my old car and fix my old (1970's) house.  What the heck?  Sounds like a scam!  Why would anyone want to barely make ends meet while suffering with depression and anxiety?  We thought having a quiet, peaceful home with lots of sunshine and a nice yard to relax in would help me.  I guess we didn't factor in that I would become quite obsessed with fixing it even though I have no know-how of what to do, only what I want.  I can't change out floor tiles!  So I struggle.  I want a smaller home with an easier yard to maintain.  Last night we made a simple dinner and picked weeds in the front yard.  What a shitty evening.  Then I freaked out and tried to go to bed at 8:30 because I wanted to "clock out" for the day and my husband wanted to help talk me down from my anxiety attack.  He talked, I cried, he was right, I'm unhappy...  I'm in a vicious shitty cycle of B.S. right now and I have the best husband- I just hope I don't push him away.

not capable

I know I am not capable of suicide. All I really want is to be left alone or to leave my life. I just want to get away, where no one knows me. A place I can start fresh, where the little black dog and past sad memories can't find me. Is it me ruminating over past failures or my lack of solid accomplishments? I find I am not truly proud of anything I have done. I have existed, I am not even sure if 'survived' is the right term because in many ways I am still here, in my own mental hell. What legacy do I have to leave behind?  I have no children, my dogs are not my own. I do not have wealth, I barely have health. I have shared air and used resources. I was an 'accident' by all accounts. It seems I have accidentally gotten this far. But where am I going if I know that I'm unhappy? Where is there to go? Is there an end of the rainbow? A land where the grass is truly greener? Do better things lie ahead if I can just hold on a little longer? #sadness #anxiety #suicide #depression

truly happy?

Have I ever been truly happy? I can think of happy times, but surely the demons were never far. Just an emotional trigger away from crippling sadness and overwhelming misery. Asleep, awake, in between. The depression lurks inside me like a bomb waits to go off. Will I shake this? Will I survive? Will the depression take me away from this cruel world? 

tears flow too freely

I'm crying as I write this. Perhaps it was the conversation, or the wine, I can't be sure. All I know in this very moment is that I sad. The tears flow freely, often preventing me from seeing the words as I attempt to type them. The thoughts move through my brain, like thunder in a storm. How after all these tears can I have any tears left to cry? After all the pain and suffering, emotional trauma, do I have anything left inside me? 

Anything sad in my life is now a trigger for more sadness, more tears, more loneliness.  Even though I have an amazing spouse, I am all alone in my struggles. Although he tries, he cannot fully comprehend my sadness. My fears and anxiety are my own demons, and I must face them alone.

Sometimes pleasure brings you pain

I hope you read that correctly.  I had my first massage last night.  It's been 5 years since my car accident and I don't count the massages given by the large Russian women during Physical Therapy "massages" although they helped ease the pain.  My massage therapist, Kellie was referred by an old friend.  I was nervous but she made me feel welcomed and comfortable.  She is a bit more petite than I am but man she is strong!  I think I'm a 1/4" taller now from her working out my back muscles.  30 years of anxiety coupled with the pain from the accident and a mattress I really need to replace, all adds up.  I did an hour session and it was wonderful.  Some of it hurt, but I'm a sensitive soul so I told her my "ow's" were good ones.  Just meant that there is more work for her to do next time!

My husband brought some takeout home for dinner last night and I had a small glass of wine.  After a really hot shower, I was passed out in bed by 9.

This morning one side of my lower back pelvic bone is very tender, very grateful for my heated seats!  I'm at work, icing the area now.  Feels better.  Since its probably safe to assume that having a beer at lunch is a no-no, I better grab some Tylenol, haha.

Go get your massage!  Why didn't I do this sooner?  Oh wait, I know, I was too busy focusing on the negative....  nope, gotta stop that, go away Tiny George!

#massage #aromatherapy #relax #anxiety #tension

every boy and every girl, decaf your life!

I drink decaffeinated coffee. Which is just as weird if not weirder than meeting someone who doesn't drink coffee at all. I started drinking coffee in the form of iced mocha's when I was 17.  It made my bones hurt and even though I didn't know it yet, it was making my blood sugar rise fast and making it fall even faster.  I attributed it to not being used to the caffeine.  I drank iced tea from time to time and rarely finished my own soda.  So drinking an entire medium or large sized iced sugar drink laced with caffeine was probably a shock to my system.  But man they were delicious.  Oh if I could just be normal for a day (more about my blood sugar later).  

It wasn't until a few years ago, as I was wrapping up my time at college and in my very own place, I decided to cut back.  Drinking coffee was keeping me warm in Monterey, California where I was attending school and I like coffee more than I like tea.  Hot cocoa typically has more sugar so I reserve that for special occasions usually shared on winter days with my husband.  I only add milk to my coffee having realized the flavored coffee additives do nothing fantastic for my waistline.  So I dropped to half caffeine, half decaffeinated coffee, affectionately referred to by me as 'half-caff.'  I did this for about 6 months until I decided to make the leap to... decaffeinated only.  I felt better immediately.  No dependence, no foggy head in the mornings, just a nice hot cup of yumminess and no after effects of sore bones or withdrawals.   It's been this way over 5 years now.  At first my brother thought I was ridiculous for having done this, "Why drink coffee at all?" he asked.  I genuinely like the flavor.  But guess who jumped on the decaf bus too?  Yes.  So now, we can enjoy our coffee for what it is and its quite lovely.  Consider it: 'minimizing your dependence.' I'm down to a cup a day and sometimes I treat myself to a second when I'm out shopping or getting my nails done.  I think it's ok to enjoy things.  Don't you?