Changes

I feel inspired, energetic, hungry, thoughtful, confused, ravenous, open-minded. So many things. Everyone cries and comes together upon word of a dog being beaten, terrorized, skinned left for dead... Well that happens to the cows, pigs and chickens in the U.S. everyday. Everyday you demand that cheeseburger, milkshake, scrambled egg, an animal was raised with no love, no health benefits, in some cases no sunshine and they are killed in fear. And we are eating that fear. Shots to the head, death by hanging by a leg, diseases, all allowable by our government. The government does not protect animals bred for food. Ever wonder how the dairy cows can pump out so much milk? They are artificially insemenated, constantly. Thats tons of hormones, not to mention the baby cow taken away for milk or veal. They are constantly pregnant, constantly nursing so you, the adult human can drink its blood and puss laden milk. We don't need milk after being weaned from our mothers. Angry. On the road to becoming Vegan. Check out the documentary, Vegucated, among others to see what I mean.

Day 4

Feeling inspired to do new things with my photography. Wellbutrin is going well, was drowsy the first two days. Yesterday was fine and today its too early to tell :-)

Day 1

Day 1 on 75mg of Wellbutrin as prescribed by my doc. Took it a little later than anticipated this morning, but it was done in a blink. Been feeling a light buzz all day. Flipped through some magazines, and nibbled a bit here and there. Just got up from a delightful nap with my bed complete with electric blanket. No jitters or restlessness as I was warned. So far, I'm feeling 'safe'. Safe from myself? Safe from my mind? Safe is all I can say. Should take a couple weeks to fully kick in. Hoping for no or minimal side effects (please no nausea!)

Evaluate

I'm taking a moment to evaluate myself. I am currently 25lbs over my ideal weight for my height. While I have the anxiety somewhat under control, the depression is not. I'm home all day in minor but significant chronic pain due to carpal tunnel syndrome. I'm not sure what to do for work not that I am very limited in my time that I'm able to spend on the computer. I could go back to school, but I'm not sure what I would want to study and for what career. The little black dog sits restless at my feet. I have recently cut 95% of the dairy from my diet and bread as well. I feel better. Tonight will be my last glass of wine for the near future as my doctor's visit today resulted in a Rx for Wellbutrin (and samples of blood drawn). I take alcohol and medication very seriously. Hopefully it's all for the best.

Wise words

Everything adds up to something

On this overcast morning

I find myself somewhat content this morning. I'm sitting on my sofa, the dogs are asleep nearby on the carpet. The house is quiet. Breakfast and coffee have been consumed and I'm listening to the soothing sounds of the dishwasher going through its cycles. How long can this go on? Will I ever return to a normal job? Do I want one? Should I return to school in pursuit of dreams that aren't entirely my own? Ssshhh mind, relax.

My suspicions are un-officially correct

While on vacation, we stayed with some family of mine. Lots of great times, food, laughter and long talks with wine late into the evening. The last evening brought up the topic of my non existent relationship with my mother. It's been over a year now (and not the first time) since I have seen or spoken to her. I essentially made the decision to cut ties or 'break up' with her out of a need to protect myself and my family. She can be nice, helpful and giving (usually with thick ropes attached). But there have been hundreds if not countless times in my life where she was yelling, screaming, irrational and violent (even to herself). As a child, I knew these fights and episodes weren't normal. While my brother was in the 2nd grade, him and most of the boys in his class were being diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder with Hyperactivity- he was prescribed Ritalin. My mother thought she would take one to try it. He was later taken off of it and she took it for the next 10+ years. It was hell. She told her psychiatrist that she liked how she felt on it. I knew early on that adults shouldn't take medicine prescribed for children. It had an adverse reaction. Combine the upper of the Ritalin with coffee and downer of the beer in the evenings, it was a horrible roller coaster. It wasn't until high school, that I noticed a how the beer was playing a clear role in the evening fights she'd pick with myself and my brother. Like others at 18, I found a way to distance myself from her and move out. I have always been cautious, as even though she raised me in a non-conventional way (more on this later). A couple years ago, after I bought my first home, I tried to be cool, she wanted to help so I let her and there were a few good times. I was careful but she kept bringing up conspiracy theories. I'm serious. It was torture. I wanted to explain reason to her, to disspell these things she kept saying were her 'opinions' that she had a right to. These conversations would end in blow out fights. It was too much for me to handle. I felt so many emotions, anger, guilt, sadness. I knew it was out of hand. I walked into my home with my brother to find her in my entryway screaming at my husband who was sitting, holding our dog who looked terrified. I told her it was time to leave.
Fast forward to now and I come home to a letter in my stack of mail received while on vacation and she doesn't know why I have ceased communication. After all she has done for me (uh, raised me? Who else's responsibility was I?). I just can't win.
My aunt said what I had imagined to be true. Schizophrenia. Just like their mother. The hell I experienced as a child and an adult now made more sense. The worse part is she has no idea anything is wrong, and never will. I think this really helps explain my own depression and anxiety. When you try so hard to do things right, play by the rules, save money, get good grades, please your parents, etc, you get exhausted. It's tiring trying to explain yourself constantly so you wonder what the problem is. How can I fix this? What's the solution? Well, time is the solution. Sad to say, but she will pass on and I will be relieved. Relieved of her heartache and my own. Perhaps she is my little black dog.