Friends asking for Donations....

I have some friends that are currently seeking donations for their "cause". Well one of their parents is the organizer of the  online fundraiser. I don't mind donations or fundraisers in general, although I do mind feeling obligated. I also mind when its not a fundraiser that once reached, will be completed.
In this particular case, I find myself glad and irritated. You see, they are asking for donations to adopt a child. This couple has two of their own and they are a Christian family-- you know, righteous and all, except for the whole 'they conceived their first born out of wedlock' and but we should just ignore that sin I guess...
I'm glad they are stopping with two of their own, I think that's enough people to indoctrinate... But now they want their friends and family to donate so they can adopt a child through some Christian organization. So once they reach this goal ($5,000), are they going to ask us to help donate to raise the child? (Food, diapers, clothing, toys, etc.) If they can't afford to adopt, how can they afford to support it? And don't say 'God's love' or something ridiculous like that. Ugh.

Why I won't tell my "potential" future children about Santa Claus

It's a few days before Christmas and I had a thought. If I have children, I'm not going to tell them about Santa Claus. There are multiple reasons for this. But first, I'm not mean, ill spirited or a grinch. However, I am an atheist. And I studied Psychology and Anthropology in College. My views are shaped by the experiences I have had and the subjects I have studied. Simply stated, I believe that telling children about Santa Claus is perpetrating a lie. A lie that I was told, a lie that my parents were told. Did it hurt me? No. Did it cause me detriment? No. But it did make me think, what else have I been told is a lie? My parents lied to me, plain and simple. I just don't think that is right. Mostly because Santa isn't real and what he is described as is basically a god himself. He can see everything, speak all languages, deliver gifts all over the world in one night, etc. It's just not right.
I will tell my children who Santa Claus is. They will know the story, they will also know that parents are Santa Claus. They will also learn that not all children in the world get gifts. No one will (hopefully) break into our home the night of December 24 and leave presents behind. I believe in educating, not betrayal. Why tell your child a lie? Only to have to tell the truth later?
Oh and no creepy elves on shelves either.

Found this great animation

Surfing the web takes you to many places far and wide. I like to call it 'time traveling' because you end up spending far too much time on the computer and boom it's a few hours later! Found this short video and wanted to share it: http://www.upworthy.com/what-is-depression-let-this-animation-with-a-dog-shed-light-on-it     

Holidays in the home of a Minimalist

We only have two bins in which to store our holiday decorations. It's not for lack of space, or lack of money. Quite honestly  its because we had to put a cap on it. Seeing our parents' and grandparents' holiday items shoved into box after box, stored in the attic 11 months of the year, really gave us pause when we packed our holiday items last year. We sorted the items and chose our favorites (anything with the Abominable Snowman stayed). We went to Target and purchased two standards size rubbermaid bins especially for this purpose. What fit, made the cut.
A few days ago, at my request, my husband pulled the boxes down from the garage. He left to get a few things done and I opened the boxes. I started digging around in them. I found a few strands of white lights, some picture frames with photos, a few random decorations and a small faux tree. Yes, the tree fits in one of the boxes. All that I found was great, however I realized a small problem. We have no where to put anything. We have a decent sized home, but very few furnishings other than the main things a home needs (sofa, ottomon, dining table, etc. No end tables, coffee table, etc. So there are no flat surfaces free for extra decorations. Hmm, so I'm debating if I should borrow a table or just forget it altogether? Being a minimalist is difficult sometimes, but so rewarding.

I'm not sweet, I'm sour!

As the holiday season approaches, my husband and I find ourselves out a little more often. Trying to squeeze in some last day trips before the weather turns gross, seeing new movies on discount Tuesdays, heading to the mall for new winter clothes and with all that comes customer service. I really do hate that term, but thats an entirely different blog entry right there.  Usually I'm mistaken for younger than I appear (yay), sometimes closer to the correct age (usually when I'm with the hubs). Either way, I too can guess ages. I can tell if you are my age or younger, and it makes me bat shit crazy when I am called "Sweetie" by someone my age or younger. If you are a sweet grandmother, then it is perfectly acceptable. Just don't do it. By calling my sweetie, it feels like you are belittling me or about to follow it with "bless yer heart". Ugh. It's gross and awful. Same goes for Sugar, Honey or Doll. Miss works, Ma'am does too, although I like it less. Thanks. Have a great holiday!

Friends say the darnest things

I have some really great friends. I really do. On facebook, I have a lot of friends from childhood, school and even ex coworkers. I love hearing about their lives, the good, the bad and even the 'tmi's'. What I don't like is reading things that are just plain unnecessary. The comment that I found particulary irritating was this 'My wife delivered our second baby today and again without drugs.' Ok, while I see the point, I also found myself upset. I'm a female and I do not have children. With that said, I really do feel that women have choices when it comes to the delivery of their baby. It is their body after all. I feel like a woman that gives birth (drugs, no drugs, c-section, etc) is still a major accomplishment! I just don't see that her not taking the drugs is a) any of my business and b) anything to be proud of. So let me get this straight, you suffered hours of horrible and excruciating pain and you didn't have to? It's almost assinine. Ok, I have heard but not researched the concept of mothers that take the delivery drugs-- their babies are essentially born on the drugs too. So there's that. What freaks me out is the epidural itself. The needle goes into the spinal fluid. If its wrong, you could be paralyzed. Big risk. And yes I've heard it is rare, but a risk is a risk. Heck, having a baby is a risk, you could die from childbirth. Anyway, I just didn't feel it was necessary to add that tidbit about the drugs. And I still wish them all the best. Drugs or no drugs, she pushed out a healthy child. Awesome.

Enjoying the quiet

Being home unemployed these last few months has given me time to reflect on what I want in life. As much as I embrace the minimalism culture, I also view it as a very extreme way of life. I prefer to embrace the ideas of simplicity leading to a more fulfilling life. Stuff does not equal happiness, it actually just gets in the way. Its a lot easier to clean up with less crap. Our livingroom is very basic. Two dvd shelves, the tv unit and large tv, modern sofa and matching ottomon. We have even lowered our once almost 500+ dvd collection to under 150. We have embraced the minimalism idea of only keeping our favorite movies. It has been challenging but when it was done, we felt great. Those types of things have helped add order and structure to our home.
We still have more to do here, but its not much. We still hope to sell our home and live in a smaller home, having less stuff will make the transition easier. Well, since I've got less to clean, I've got more nap time!!!

No sympathy here

Thanks to social media outlets, namely Facebook, it is easier than ever to plead for ungarnered sympathy. If sympathy were a consumable good, I'd be a grinch. I just do not give my sympathy away freely. It's not that I can't feel for others, I can. It's just that I'm a 'shit or get off the pot' kinda gal. Beautiful image, I know. Stuff happens to all of us, but when all it does is rain in your life YOU are the problem.
I've "lost" (if unfriending on Facebook is equivalent to giving back your BFF's "Be Fri" half of the heart shaped necklace you once shared) friends and have somehow severed ties with related connections thanks to sympathy.
I had a friend named Kara who was always playing the sympathy card. Everything 'just' happened to her. She once pointed out to me a wrinkle on her forehead, we were about 23, she said, look isn't it awful??? I replied, well its ok, you can get it filled. She went berserk, didn't talk to me for weeks. She couldn't believe I would say such a thing! Did I mention that her very fair skinned self tanned... A lot. She was managing tanning stores, tell me it wasn't self-inflicted, really, I dare you. Fast forward a few years and shes riddled in credit debt, in a car she can't afford and a new baby with a guy that doesn't care about her but lets her stay at his house because he feels bad. Uhhh???
So here was the straw that broke the camels back... Kara posts on facebook that she just got pulled over for talking on her cell phone and how its going to be a very expensive ticket. She gets a lot of 'oh you poor thing' comments. Me, being so practical, point out that that could have been a lot of diapers for her baby.  It didn't seem rude to me. What I was trying to say was that she deserved it. She made the conscious decision to talk on the phone while driving. No it wasn't an emergency. And yes, her child was in tbe car. So no sympathy from me. She PM'd me, furious. Well, yeah, I made her look stupid. She tells me off and that she wants to unfriend me, Im like ok, good luck with that, I already unfriended YOU. I was tired of her whining.
The moral here, is don't feel bad for everyone. And don't be play the victim.

So what is next?

Still recovering from a RSI, I find I'm only spending about 2-3 hours a week using the computer. This does not include using my phone however, which is probably closer to ten hours a week. I spend my time at home, as while I was home recovering, my employer decided that my position could fulfilled by other members of the team. While I'm glad they finally terminated me, I sit here anxiously unsure of my next move. In six days, our mortgage is due. My husband is trying to be upbeat, but I can tell he's gaining in irritability. It's my fault he can't take a day off to rest. Poor guy has just about been working everyday of our marriage (fours years now) with no job that he loves, much less likes, at a much lower pay rate than his intelligence is worth. The job market here is so so. Most listings are for solar sales or service jobs like waiting tables. Its just about impossible to "get in" to a state job (CA). I have bounced around from job to job, trying to stay somewhere for a while but either the pay is awful or I end up bored beyond belief, and when I say bored, I literally mean that I just sit there. I sit at a desk and count away the hours. Dream about places I will never get to go, and things I will never get to do. We have ideas to get ourselves out of the grind, but actually doing them is a whole different story. Nap time.

Lately things are... OK

Was finally terminated from my job, but as these things go for me, it wasn't without getting an RSI (repetitive strain injury) from Carpal Tunnel, in not one, but both wrists. What I didn't know was how it also affects the fingertips, fingers, palms, wrists, forearms and even elbows. Was taken off computers by my doc for three weeks and subsequently terminated by my employer as they decided they no longer needed my position any longer. Well I'm fine with that except I now need a job and I'm not looking to do computer work full time. Still in some pain but overall happier. Taking it easy and laying low with one of my dogs by my side. He's not concerned, he just wants to be pet. I am happy its just him. Haven't seen the  little black dog in a while and I'd like to keep it that way as long as possible.

It's all different, yet totally the same

I have moved, changed cars and changed jobs all about 19 times... each.  Since I was 17.  School schedules were always changing and my jobs weren't always accommodating.  My first favorite car was totaled (I wasn't in the car) and I've been chasing that ever since.  Some cars were too expensive to maintain or insure, some were gas guzzlers, too big, too uncomfortable, some I flipped for profit.  I always had a reason.  We've owned the same two cars now for almost 2 years.  That's almost a record for me! HA!  They're ten years old but they are both really good us.  I wish their ages/mileage were more staggered but I guess we'll have to see what happens.
I even changed schools (colleges).  I attended 2 junior colleges and 2 state colleges over the course of 8 years and I didn't even officially obtain my BA. On the upside, I have no student loan debt.  But the point remains, what I was able to control, didn't even help me succeed, I just danced sideways like a crab.
We bought a house last year.  It was the largest home on the largest lot in our price range, but with that came a laundry list of things to fix or update.  It's been 16 months since we got the keys and I can't wait to pass them on (maybe I can leave the pesky little black dog behind too!).  I will save this for a later blog.  Again, I want to move because I'm unhappy.  I need to get myself better before I can focus on things like choosing what laminate floor to put downstairs.

I work my job so I can drive my old car and fix my old (1970's) house.  What the heck?  Sounds like a scam!  Why would anyone want to barely make ends meet while suffering with depression and anxiety?  We thought having a quiet, peaceful home with lots of sunshine and a nice yard to relax in would help me.  I guess we didn't factor in that I would become quite obsessed with fixing it even though I have no know-how of what to do, only what I want.  I can't change out floor tiles!  So I struggle.  I want a smaller home with an easier yard to maintain.  Last night we made a simple dinner and picked weeds in the front yard.  What a shitty evening.  Then I freaked out and tried to go to bed at 8:30 because I wanted to "clock out" for the day and my husband wanted to help talk me down from my anxiety attack.  He talked, I cried, he was right, I'm unhappy...  I'm in a vicious shitty cycle of B.S. right now and I have the best husband- I just hope I don't push him away.

not capable

I know I am not capable of suicide. All I really want is to be left alone or to leave my life. I just want to get away, where no one knows me. A place I can start fresh, where the little black dog and past sad memories can't find me. Is it me ruminating over past failures or my lack of solid accomplishments? I find I am not truly proud of anything I have done. I have existed, I am not even sure if 'survived' is the right term because in many ways I am still here, in my own mental hell. What legacy do I have to leave behind?  I have no children, my dogs are not my own. I do not have wealth, I barely have health. I have shared air and used resources. I was an 'accident' by all accounts. It seems I have accidentally gotten this far. But where am I going if I know that I'm unhappy? Where is there to go? Is there an end of the rainbow? A land where the grass is truly greener? Do better things lie ahead if I can just hold on a little longer? #sadness #anxiety #suicide #depression

truly happy?

Have I ever been truly happy? I can think of happy times, but surely the demons were never far. Just an emotional trigger away from crippling sadness and overwhelming misery. Asleep, awake, in between. The depression lurks inside me like a bomb waits to go off. Will I shake this? Will I survive? Will the depression take me away from this cruel world? 

tears flow too freely

I'm crying as I write this. Perhaps it was the conversation, or the wine, I can't be sure. All I know in this very moment is that I sad. The tears flow freely, often preventing me from seeing the words as I attempt to type them. The thoughts move through my brain, like thunder in a storm. How after all these tears can I have any tears left to cry? After all the pain and suffering, emotional trauma, do I have anything left inside me? 

Anything sad in my life is now a trigger for more sadness, more tears, more loneliness.  Even though I have an amazing spouse, I am all alone in my struggles. Although he tries, he cannot fully comprehend my sadness. My fears and anxiety are my own demons, and I must face them alone.

Sometimes pleasure brings you pain

I hope you read that correctly.  I had my first massage last night.  It's been 5 years since my car accident and I don't count the massages given by the large Russian women during Physical Therapy "massages" although they helped ease the pain.  My massage therapist, Kellie was referred by an old friend.  I was nervous but she made me feel welcomed and comfortable.  She is a bit more petite than I am but man she is strong!  I think I'm a 1/4" taller now from her working out my back muscles.  30 years of anxiety coupled with the pain from the accident and a mattress I really need to replace, all adds up.  I did an hour session and it was wonderful.  Some of it hurt, but I'm a sensitive soul so I told her my "ow's" were good ones.  Just meant that there is more work for her to do next time!

My husband brought some takeout home for dinner last night and I had a small glass of wine.  After a really hot shower, I was passed out in bed by 9.

This morning one side of my lower back pelvic bone is very tender, very grateful for my heated seats!  I'm at work, icing the area now.  Feels better.  Since its probably safe to assume that having a beer at lunch is a no-no, I better grab some Tylenol, haha.

Go get your massage!  Why didn't I do this sooner?  Oh wait, I know, I was too busy focusing on the negative....  nope, gotta stop that, go away Tiny George!

#massage #aromatherapy #relax #anxiety #tension

every boy and every girl, decaf your life!

I drink decaffeinated coffee. Which is just as weird if not weirder than meeting someone who doesn't drink coffee at all. I started drinking coffee in the form of iced mocha's when I was 17.  It made my bones hurt and even though I didn't know it yet, it was making my blood sugar rise fast and making it fall even faster.  I attributed it to not being used to the caffeine.  I drank iced tea from time to time and rarely finished my own soda.  So drinking an entire medium or large sized iced sugar drink laced with caffeine was probably a shock to my system.  But man they were delicious.  Oh if I could just be normal for a day (more about my blood sugar later).  

It wasn't until a few years ago, as I was wrapping up my time at college and in my very own place, I decided to cut back.  Drinking coffee was keeping me warm in Monterey, California where I was attending school and I like coffee more than I like tea.  Hot cocoa typically has more sugar so I reserve that for special occasions usually shared on winter days with my husband.  I only add milk to my coffee having realized the flavored coffee additives do nothing fantastic for my waistline.  So I dropped to half caffeine, half decaffeinated coffee, affectionately referred to by me as 'half-caff.'  I did this for about 6 months until I decided to make the leap to... decaffeinated only.  I felt better immediately.  No dependence, no foggy head in the mornings, just a nice hot cup of yumminess and no after effects of sore bones or withdrawals.   It's been this way over 5 years now.  At first my brother thought I was ridiculous for having done this, "Why drink coffee at all?" he asked.  I genuinely like the flavor.  But guess who jumped on the decaf bus too?  Yes.  So now, we can enjoy our coffee for what it is and its quite lovely.  Consider it: 'minimizing your dependence.' I'm down to a cup a day and sometimes I treat myself to a second when I'm out shopping or getting my nails done.  I think it's ok to enjoy things.  Don't you?

The little black dog made me do it

My experience with anti-depressive meds can be summed up with a sentence.  "I'm not currently on them."  A few years ago, after what felt like days of crying, heartache, laying in bed and pain all through my body, I finally summoned the courage to reach out to my doctor and make an appointment.  I was a fairly new patient, with a few routine checkups having been 'normal' in the past.  I was desperate and I asked for pills, anti-depression pills to treat my depression and anxiety.   Along with a prescription for Zoloft (My doctor's first choice, Prozac seemed too cliche), came prescriptions for meditation, thought journals, sunshine, a regular exercise regimen and follow up appointments for both my doctor and the psychiatrist.  Being the cynicist I am, my first thought was, "Boy this is going to be expensive!"  But my tear ducts felt dried up and my heart ached with sadness, so I hoped it would be worth it.

URL: http://olivelifestyle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/5cfa3ff4ab4f67c7c7a2942248980c65.jpeg

So I get the prescription, I start the group classes, I see the psychiatrist.  No one can really help because I'm just sad.  It's also winter, so they slap me with a side diagnosis of SAD or Seasonal Affective Disorder, which basically means that I'm human.  Really, I just can't take the gloomy weather.  It depresses the heck out of me, which made sense, but my current sadness goes much deeper that grey skies and clouds.  The pills start to kick in, and for the first time, I can't cry.  Seriously, weirdest shit ever, from crying non-stop to no tears is very bizzare.  That part of my brain that says "you're sad, you should CRY!" was simply gone.  It was nice because while I wasn't happy, at least I wasn't sad.  Unfortunately, I got a few awesome side effects.  Slicing pain above my right ear in my head.  So bad I had to stop what I was doing and just hold my hand for the duration of the pain (5-10 seconds).  I also got a great bout of nausea!  No action, just the feeling of being sick... for four months... straight.  I couldn't take it anymore so my doc switched my meds.  I said, "Anything I don't care, I just don't want to feel sick anymore," so he prescribed me Prozac.  It was fine because I wasn't nauseous but I still felt a little sad, I had a few other side effects and I really missed having a drink from time to time.  So after 7 months of Prozac, I told the doc I was done.  I weaned off and I stopped.  My charts are noted that I was "allergic" to Zoloft, which I find amusing.  I'm allergic to most every  other common prescription, let's throw anti-depressants on the list too.  In the last year, my doc prescribed me "use as needed" anxiety pills for "attacks" and I get different responses everytime.  The other day I took a .5 mg of Ativan for a horrible anxiety attack (which inspired my blog today!) and by Saturday at 2pm, I was cancelling plans with two different friends due to drowsiness.  I was zonked out!  Last time, I was able to work!  Poor chemical balance?  Probably.  Til next time...

how (not) to stretch a buck

I have a bunion. Gross, right? Ok, it's not so bad, its quite mild actually.  I still wear comfortable flip flops and open toe low heels when it's appropriate.  I get pedicures and no one ever mentions it.  I have considered and even talked to my doctor about getting it fixed.  However, I'm worried that new pains and discomfort will come out of the surgery.  I also find that it serves as a reminder of a time in my youth.  I grew up relatively poor.  I mean, we could make a dollar stretch but living in a home with a single mother and two kids, there wasn't always a lot left over for extras.   It wasn't until middle school that I realized how important having brand name 'things' were.  

If you were anyone, you had to have a Jansport backpack.  I figured this out early on, and when I saw them at Costco, I made the case to my mother that I needed one anyway (I really did, 6th grade was brutal) and that I would make the $20 backpack last for both 7th and 8th grade, instead of just 7th.  My goal wasn't to be popular, it was just to fit in.  Most of us had forest green, dark red, black and I was a rare soul with my prized teal colored backpack.

URL:  https://img0.etsystatic.com/000/0/5875987/il_fullxfull.298042828.jpg

Around the age of 13, I had started babysitting and of course this meant that the money I made was now contributed towards things that used to get purchased for me.  Like shoes. It was a month or so into the 8th grade and I needed new shoes.  I hated to ask for my mom to buy me anything as we really didn't have the money and she almost always found a way to make me feel guilty about it.  Well, we all wore "running" shoes back then, everyday.  Kids our age didn't accessorize, we just wore the same shoes everyday with a t-shirt and jeans.  Well, where were we when we found my shoes?  Costco.  But of course!  (I just wish I had known their return policy back then)  We bought what was a new arrival at the time, their women's 'Court Classic' low top running shoe in white.  Yup, a Costco shoe.  What was I thinking?  It was a few days before anyone pointed out that they had never heard of "Court Classic" the brand embroidered on the back of my blinding white shoes.  I wanted to melt into the floor. Absolutely mortified.  From that day on, I worked to keep a light layer of dust on them and hide them whenever possible.  The other kids wore Vans skater shoes, Nike athletic shoes and Adidas shell toes.  I wasn't even in a affluent neighborhood, those kids must have had parents who had had my same awful experience and saved their child from the same.  My mom was oblivious and just wanted to save a buck (I think the shoes were under $20).  I finally wore them out enough that I was allowed to get rid of them (and I triumphantly flung them in a dumpster!).

So when ninth grade rolled around, I wasn't going to make the same mistake.  Nope, I figured I had a under $20 budget for shoes and I was determined to find something name brand.  Not only were we huge Costco shoppers, we were also big Mervyn's shoppers.  (open, open open!)

URL: http://i1.ytimg.com/vi/ebD2r-8vo8Y/hqdefault.jpg 

Success!  I found a pair of vans skate shoes (I had and still have a 47" longboard that I rode to school so yes, it was appropriate).  A quick internet search tells me they were called the "Ethel" but I wasn't able to find a photo.  Anyway, they were very cool and unique, not leather, but more of an almost reflective vinyl material.  I think mine were in a dark teal (same color as a bag in 7th grade, but no worries, I had a blue one for 9th grade).  They were great and I think they were around $13, I found them on the clearance rack.  My greatest find!  There was one small problem....  they were a half size too small.  I figured that wasn't a big deal, perhaps I could wear thinner socks or they would break in.  Nope, a few months later I had caused irreversible damage to my left foot.  I now carry with me as a badge to my success in shopping and failure in knowing that my shoe size was indeed a half size larger, a bunion.  My husband has encouraged me to get it fixed and I've thought about it.  About the procedure, about the recovery (painful) and about the way my foot would look after (pretty!).  But, I think for now I will keep my bunion.  I hate it but its mine.  It's part of my journey.


UPDATE: I found this blog/article and it reminded me of this one I just wrote!  http://www.scarymommy.com/wisdom-born-in-the-80s/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+ScaryMommy+%28Scary+Mommy%29 

Cooking at home for the budget and the body

I usually feel guilty for eating out.   Ok, ok sometimes, also bloated.  Guilty that I spent money on something I could have made at home.  Now, I must make a few exceptions.  One is- Asian food.  Some Asian food, if you've tried to make it at home then you know it requires many small amounts of different frou-frou little spices and sauces.  For instance, Fish Sauce.  I will not buy Fish Sauce since I do not like or eat Fish.  However, I'm not exactly asking how the dish is prepared when I go out, so as long as it has 'chicken' in the title, I'm ok with it.  I just don't like cooking with so many little ingredients.  Tonight for instance, we're going out to Thai food.  I think it's much healthier than Chinese even though I LOVE Chinese food.  Maybe its the same-- health wise but either way I do not feel guilty for Thai, Chinese or Japanese (all I get is Chicken Teriyaki, and yes I use the fork).

The other is fancy food.  Fancy like stuff I don't make at home--- crepes for example.  Yum!  Also, I recently found a place that makes custard french toast.  It's to die for!!!  Pretty much worth any heart ailment you might have.  So that I'm ok with.  But I can cook most everything else.  BBQ not so much, I don't like to play with fire, so I ask my husband to do that.  He has ADD, so he's distracted easily and he's either hovering over the grill asking me if I think it's done yet or he's forgotten about it completely- and I find myself yelling at him to get off the computer and check on the meat.  Pastas, soups, chili, spaghetti, salad-- no problem.

Recently, I found a fantastic blog.  Which I highly recommend you read.  It's extreme, but if nothing else, I found it inspiring to take a close look at what I spend my money on and how to keep it.  He has a great recipe for salad dressing too: (scroll down a bit) http://www.mrmoneymustache.com/2013/04/18/the-amazing-waist-slimming-wallet-fattening-nutrient/

I've made it, and we were practically licking the bowl after we ran out of lettuce.  No seriously, its delicious.

#cooking #budget #health  #guilt

IT'S SCIENCE!

It's been a few rough days...  Sometimes its like that.  The little black dog was in full effect.  I did some reading and I think I found a bit of sunshine.

 'He observed that depression often arises when a person is pursuing an unattainable life goal, and often remits when that goal is achieved or given up. (Bibring, 1953).  This quote is from one of my favorite books from college, Evolutionary medicine by Wenda R. Travathan 1999.

What does it feel like to be depressed?  If you are reading this blog, perhaps you have experienced this feeling, or you are currently experiencing it.  Depression can last a short period of time, such as an evening, or a few days, usually following some sort of 'trigger', such as illness or death of a loved one.  Or maybe you are in my boat, where the depression is seemly from an accumulation of disappointments or failures over a long course of time.  Either way, it's just a somber feeling.  It's like I am dead inside .  On the outside, you see me, I'm not smiling but I'm here.  I don't even know if I'm trying to smile.  I'm just trying to survive the day. All I really want to do is avoid everyone, maybe lay in bed with the covers over my head and wish for the demons to leave me alone.  It truly is like a dark cloud is following you around, ready to soak you with angry rain at any moment.  In the longer stretches of depression, there may be some sunshine, a laugh shared with a spouse or a joke read on the internet.  But the smile fades quickly and then you are back to Sadville, population: you.

The best way I have found to fight this feeling is to listen to music.  I love dub reggae, reggae and even classic rock.  How can you not get excited when you hear Bob Seger's 'Old time Rock and Roll?'  it's awesome.  Maybe play it a few times over.  When I have a few extra bucks I enjoy traveling.  Just having something to look forward to keeps me going.  So plan it, pay for it and wait for the big day!!! 

#depression #sadness #anxiety #medication #anger

humans' basic needs

Back in 1943, a Psychologist named Abraham Maslow came up with an idea to explain humans' basic needs for survival.  Check it out:  
URL: http://timvandevall.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/Maslows-Hierarchy-of-Needs.jpg

This is a cartoon version of the original 5 section pyramid.  It was later depicted having 7 sections.  For simplicity, we'll just focus on this one for now.  Firstly, we need to eat, sleep, breathe and poop.  Ok, simple enough.  Ever see a movie where people are tortured by being tied or hung to a wall for days on end?  I always wondered if they were able to poop.  If they couldn't, they would die of toxicity.  Of course, they probably aren't being fed nor are able to sleep, not to mention their arms going numb from loss of blood from being 'up' so long.  So I figure they would last about 3 maybe 4 days like that?

Ok second section up on the pyramid.  Shelter and security.  So a small hut or large mansion, as long as it's not going to be taken away and you're good here.

The third section is love!!! So the Beatles were on the right track, but basically wrong, we need a little more than love.  We need to love and be loved.  Even if that means having a lot of cats...

URL: http://www.spendit.com/wp-content/uploads/Crazy-Cat-Lady-Starter-Kit.jpg

Ok, ok, we have spouses, boy friends, girl friends, Moms, Dads, siblings, you gotta have someone-- !!!  It's part of the pyramid!  If you don't have someone, get a pet.

Esteem.. Ooh, this is a toughie.  In my opinion, I think this is where most (depression) people suffer.  This is all about finding your place in the world.  As maybe a (good) mother or as a (hardworking) employee.  If your kids are out robbing liquor stores at age 14 and you are about to get fired from your job, you are a failure.  It's about striking a balance here, gotta give a lot to everything.  Gotta get your kids to soccer on time, gotta be the best kiss ass at work, every group that you interact with, you have got to put in a good effort so that you can have the 'minimum' esteem for survival.  This esteem provides reassurance that you belong, if you don't belong, then why be here at all?  (and there's the depression talking)

And lastly, Self-Actualization.  Very few people actually reach true 'self-actualization'.  First of all, it's always changing and second, it's about becoming all that you're capable of.  For some people, this means inventing a product that helps people get clean water all around the world, or maybe its smaller, like being an awesome father.  Maybe it's becoming a CEO of a Fortune 500 company.  It's achieving a said goal, and exceeding expectations.  I don't have huge aspirations in the workplace, I want to do a good job, but climbing up the ladder is not very important to me.  What is important is traveling and learning about people.  Sure, I want to help them too, but I'm still in the process of making myself stronger.  Gotta be strong so I can help others.

What are your goals and aspirations?  Have you overcome any obstacles worth sharing?  if so, SHARE!!!  and please, someone help me get rid of these cats! (Tiny George is not much of a watchdog)

Learning to live with less (a goal!) UPDATE

Well, I talked to the hubs and he agreed (reluctantly) that we have too much stuff (still).  This has actually been an ongoing process since we moved into the house just over a year ago.  We bought a 1700sq. ft. + size home and it took 2 of those 26' U-Haul trucks to move us out of his parents house and into our own.  Plus a few small truck loads and multiple loads in our sport wagon.  What the heck did we have???  Oh and that didn't include a full size pool table which came separately or about 15 boxes of Star Wars and other 'collectibles' that came out of his old closet which we brought over by car.  I say "collectibles" because a lot of the items are just items, they aren't all vintage or rare, they are just items (figures, vehicles) that exist to be made and purchased.  I'm not bitter at all... (right).
My husband thought about what we moved.  There was a sofa and loveseat, extra refrigerator,  large glass patio table, full size mattress/frame set, entertainment center, 2 shallow but tall DVD shelves from #IKEA, dining table and 4 chairs, and 4 large utility cabinets.  Through craigslist and garage sales, the sofa, patio table, full size bed and dining set are all gone.  So a lot of it was big items that probably took up half or most of one of the truck loads.  However, a 26' truck is supposed to be able to move a 4 bedroom house.  Um, how come I never have anything to wear if I have so much STUFF?
So the last couple nights we went through each DVD in our collection and asked 'Is this our favorite?' (of course White Chicks made the cut!) and we went through our books, clothes, shoes, coats, blankets, linens, extra kitchen items, bathroom things and we still have more to do.  We aren't even hoarders or pack rats, we just amassed a lot of stuff.  We still have the garage to go through again, and the side yard.  I gave us a deadline of two weeks because I plan to have a garage sale and donate what doesn't sell.  We tend to save up for large items we need, right now we desperately need a new love seat.
Having too much makes me cranky, doesn't find in with a #Minimalist mindset and definitely doesn't cater to the 'Modern' look (clean, crisp, fresh, etc.).  Plus I really want to downsize our house already.
Have you gone through this process yet?  Are you willing to?  Thoughts?

Learning to live with less (a goal!)

One of my goals is to learn to live with less.  I currently find myself in a situation where I have too much stuff.  I could have been happier purchasing a smaller home, on a smaller piece of land.  I don't use about 3 rooms in my house- one is empty!  There are closets in the bedrooms and the living area, no pantry and no attic or basement.  So I'm glad I can't pack it away and forget.  I am faced with my stuff (and my husband's!).  My mother-in-law essentially has 3 pantry areas.  And they are well stocked with baking goods, canned goods and coffee mugs, etc.  So she has everything and then some but I don't want that much space.  I have a cabinet that we use for canned goods/snacks.  I figure it keeps me from over-purchasing and for two people, I really don't need so much extra food on hand.  Now, we did add a large utility cabinet to the nook, but its not holding our food, just my brothers food and some extra kitchen utensils and our pots and pans because I have a very poor designed U shaped 9x10 kitchen.  And unlike my mother-in-law who has the counter space, I rarely bake.  So I don't own a rolling pin or muffin tins (gasp!).  I figure if I bake it, I'll eat it.  I just borrow what I need when I need it.

I used to be one of those people that had boxes of bathroom stuff stored (lotions, shaving cream, toothpaste...) I am just fascinated with it.  I've worked hard to organize and I've got it down to two and a travel size items box.  I practically live 5 walking minutes to a Target, I think it's ok if I run out of something.

My husband is a (huge) fan of Star Wars.  Yes, I knew this going in.  However, I was unaware just how much SW related items he had.  I think he could open a store-- or a museum.  But we've gone through it and he's made the tough decisions on what to keep and what to let go.  He kept about 1/3 of his large collection.  The problem is, it's been slow to sell.  Ebay and Craigslist are really the only channels besides garage sales to get this stuff gone.   We thought it would be easier.  So that whole mess is 'out' in the larger of the 3 rooms we don't use.  It's awful.  I don't want him to just give it away because he did spend money to acquire it, but I'm just so sick of seeing the mess everyday.

Collectively, we have a nice DVD collection (over 500) and a nice book collection spanning subjects such as Star Wars, How to write and film movies, Health, Nutrition, a few biographies, Cars, Anthropology and why religion is the worst thing ever created by humans-- more on that later.

I find I'm happiest when my bed is made, and the room is devoid of "stuff" i.e. the pile of comforters that need to be cleaned because the (real) dogs laid on them, the beautiful mailbox my Dad painted for us for our wedding reception which is filled with wedding cards we received.  There's also computer parts, because our computers and desks are in our room, and some other stuff that just has no home.  So much calmer when the room is empty.  Maybe I'll do that this evening, get rid of the extra stuff.  It might as well join the Star Wars stuff downstairs....

Perhaps this is too ambitious for a Monday? we'll see
#minimalization #minimalist #anxiety #depression #stuff #starwars

#firstworldproblems

#firstworldproblems ... this sums up so much of my life in so many ways.   Earlier this week, I walked over to the local convenience (aka expensive!) store.  I bought two 20oz bottle of 7up for $2.22.  Very expensive! But I felt crappy and needed some bubbles.  So the one I opened and sipped on is on my desk, lid closed tight.  The new one is on the floor next to my lunchbox.   Well, I wanted a sip.  Guess who opened the new bottle?  This girl.  sommabitch Argh.  I was going to take that one home.  Now I have two open partially drank bottles of soda.  Boo.  I worry about the dumbest things, but to me?  These "stupid" mistakes add up.  Drives me batty.  Anyone else go through this??? #mistake #anxiety 

oh thank heaven (for 7-11)

On my lunch hour (yes I'm depressed yet somehow able to show up for work most days) and I wanted something to drink with bubbles in it.  I was hoping for a flavored mineral water, but 7-up was the closest I was able to get.  Upon check out, I asked for a lottery ticket as well.  It's just a dollar, no big deal, right?  I tried not to over think my small purchase, the other things I could buy with a dollar, what I would tell my husband if he knew my secret spending habits... and on and on.  Fortunately, those thoughts were quickly replaced with the next thought, what would I do if I won?  Maybe my little black dog would run away if I ignored him.

Would a multi-million (USD) dollar jackpot help my depression?  First off, I would probably buy the most comfortable bed, because mine is terrible and then if I did become depressed again, my favorite place of solace would be one of extreme comfort.  Gotta think practical here.  Maybe a house on a large plot of land so I didn't have to be near people if I didn't want to be.  Or is that enabling my condition further?  A castle with a moat?

Well, maybe not.  Might get a little creepy.  Seriously.  Would winning the lottery help or hurt people that suffer with depression?  SHARE! #lottery #anxiety #depression

Throwing away all that we have learned

I have always been of the camp to say 'why do we spend a lifetime learning just to throw it all away at the end?' I think I am paraphrasing a famous quote there but I am not in a great state of mind to be bothered to 'google it' so to speak. We learn so much in our short time here on this planet. I feel like I have lived half a lifetime already. But what have I really gained besides street smarts, parallel parking skills and a knack for remembering song lyrics like my life depended on it? I am one of those people that agrees that the best way to learn is to travel and meet people. Experience other cultures. I am 30 and have never got my passport yet.  I can tell you all about California and maybe a few other places, but besides my Anthropology, my worldly experiences have been limited. Due to limited funding and having had to work pretty much 3-5 days a week since I was 18, that hasn't left a lot of time to get away.  I have a list of places I'd like to explore, not too many but a few. I wish I could get one of those jobs for people who like to travel. I could write about my experiences, take photographs and learn! Talk about a dream job! Maybe in my next life :-) #photography #anxiety #depression #memories #travel #culture

Just living

I'm not sure how long I've felt this way.  The running joke is that I "came out with a displeased look" upon birth.  It says something like that in my baby book.  Since my mother and I aren't "friends" anymore (more on that later) I can't exactly ask her or see the book.  Either I knew what I was in for, or I'm just a natural skeptic, maybe both.  Contradictory? Yes.  Of course there have been good times, ones which I hope to share, to help balance this whole thing out.  I'm one of those rare types that haven't had some earth shattering bad thing to happen to me, which caused so much pain and anxiety.  A few years ago, while in a particularly bad depressive episode, my doctor prescribed me some anti-depressant meds and told me to attend 6 weeks of group therapy sessions with other people (also on the pills) and going through depressive times, to help sort out what was wrong.  There were about 10 of us.  Every day, I came in and sat down.  I was handed a piece of paper with pictures of expressive faces on them.  I was asked to choose which face most closely represented my feelings.  Mine was usually the face with the flat smile.  Not up, not down, just a straight line.  After that, we were asked to share about our feelings out loud, or just tell how we were doing.  Most everyone had some recent turn of events, death of a loved one, divorce, child was recently diagnosed as terminally ill... you get the point.  Me?  I'm just like "Um, yeah I'm just sad.  Really sad.  Nothing is inherently wrong with my life.  I have a place to live, my bills are paid, my car has gas in it, and I'm basically healthy. I'm just really sad and can't snap out of it.  I cry and cry and cry.  I don't have suicidal thoughts, I just don't want to be here or really anywhere."  That was about 2-3 years ago.
I'm still here, just living...  Trying to get through each day.  Which is sad in itself.  It's not easy to let go of the emotion you've known your whole life.  Some days are better than others.  Work stress, home stress, relationship stress.  It all takes a toll.  It's how you process it.  When you have a problem, it's better to speak up.  I can't tell you how many times something rude has been said to me and I didn't say anything.  Then later I find myself pissed and fuming.  I'm wondering why I allowed this person to hurt me.  Why me?  I'm always having crappy things said to me or about me and I don't think I'm so bad but I'm just a moving target I suppose.  It could also be because I don't speak up.  And in doing so, I am essentially giving my 'attacker' permission to hurt me in the future.  This may be the hardest lesson I ever learn in my life.  I'm 30 and I still haven't got the hang of it.  Maybe when I'm 60 I will look back and say hey, those last 30 years were better than the first because I stopped letting people hurt me! #pain #sadness #depression #anxiety #medication #skeptic #stress

The dog with no name

'Little black dog' is a metaphor used to describe depression and it can be traced back as far as Ancient times!  I dig this stuff as I studied Anthropology and Psychology in college (get it?).  But seriously, I know all about the little black dog, even before I knew it had a name.  Mine doesn't even have a name, perhaps we'll name him down the road.  Either way, depression is a scary and sometimes crippling condition.  It can take hold of your life, your mind, your spirit and it affects both males and females at all ages.  It can be brought upon by a trigger, such as illness or death of a loved one.  Mine is an accumulation of life- experiences, letdowns, failures.  It's always easier to focus on the negative, especially when you are already in a 'funk' or as I say 'not feeling well' (mentally).  So in an attempt to break free of this damned dog, (who I will call Tiny George) I share with you my life, in small stories.  Some are more recent, some are back from childhood.  Hopefully you will relate or help share some helpful insight.  Enjoy! #littleblackdog #depression #anxiety #millennial

Hello!

Hi and welcome to my blog 'little black dog for sale'.  This is a blog for everyone, from all backgrounds, to come and share their stories about their 'little black dog,' and whether they still have it, they sold it or perhaps it visits from time to time.  I will be sharing stories from my life, some funny, some sad, but hopefully all relatable! As a female millennial, I've got some unique perceptions of the world in its many forms and I'd love to hear from you guys and bounce some ideas back and forth! I've currently got my little black dog curled up at my feet, resting for now, but maybe you guys can help me find him a new home? #littleblackdog