Wise words

Everything adds up to something

On this overcast morning

I find myself somewhat content this morning. I'm sitting on my sofa, the dogs are asleep nearby on the carpet. The house is quiet. Breakfast and coffee have been consumed and I'm listening to the soothing sounds of the dishwasher going through its cycles. How long can this go on? Will I ever return to a normal job? Do I want one? Should I return to school in pursuit of dreams that aren't entirely my own? Ssshhh mind, relax.

My suspicions are un-officially correct

While on vacation, we stayed with some family of mine. Lots of great times, food, laughter and long talks with wine late into the evening. The last evening brought up the topic of my non existent relationship with my mother. It's been over a year now (and not the first time) since I have seen or spoken to her. I essentially made the decision to cut ties or 'break up' with her out of a need to protect myself and my family. She can be nice, helpful and giving (usually with thick ropes attached). But there have been hundreds if not countless times in my life where she was yelling, screaming, irrational and violent (even to herself). As a child, I knew these fights and episodes weren't normal. While my brother was in the 2nd grade, him and most of the boys in his class were being diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder with Hyperactivity- he was prescribed Ritalin. My mother thought she would take one to try it. He was later taken off of it and she took it for the next 10+ years. It was hell. She told her psychiatrist that she liked how she felt on it. I knew early on that adults shouldn't take medicine prescribed for children. It had an adverse reaction. Combine the upper of the Ritalin with coffee and downer of the beer in the evenings, it was a horrible roller coaster. It wasn't until high school, that I noticed a how the beer was playing a clear role in the evening fights she'd pick with myself and my brother. Like others at 18, I found a way to distance myself from her and move out. I have always been cautious, as even though she raised me in a non-conventional way (more on this later). A couple years ago, after I bought my first home, I tried to be cool, she wanted to help so I let her and there were a few good times. I was careful but she kept bringing up conspiracy theories. I'm serious. It was torture. I wanted to explain reason to her, to disspell these things she kept saying were her 'opinions' that she had a right to. These conversations would end in blow out fights. It was too much for me to handle. I felt so many emotions, anger, guilt, sadness. I knew it was out of hand. I walked into my home with my brother to find her in my entryway screaming at my husband who was sitting, holding our dog who looked terrified. I told her it was time to leave.
Fast forward to now and I come home to a letter in my stack of mail received while on vacation and she doesn't know why I have ceased communication. After all she has done for me (uh, raised me? Who else's responsibility was I?). I just can't win.
My aunt said what I had imagined to be true. Schizophrenia. Just like their mother. The hell I experienced as a child and an adult now made more sense. The worse part is she has no idea anything is wrong, and never will. I think this really helps explain my own depression and anxiety. When you try so hard to do things right, play by the rules, save money, get good grades, please your parents, etc, you get exhausted. It's tiring trying to explain yourself constantly so you wonder what the problem is. How can I fix this? What's the solution? Well, time is the solution. Sad to say, but she will pass on and I will be relieved. Relieved of her heartache and my own. Perhaps she is my little black dog.

Posting from holiday vacation

Winter has found us traveling domestically. Instead of exchanging gifts, the hubs and I opted to create memories. We have talked about visiting Texas (specifically Austin) for some time now. Being native Californian Millennials, its "the" place to be right now. Jobs, affordable real estate, music, arts and food trucks. We finally made it and so far so good. Everyone has been talkative and friendly. Hopefully the little black dog doesn't find me here!

Friends asking for Donations....

I have some friends that are currently seeking donations for their "cause". Well one of their parents is the organizer of the  online fundraiser. I don't mind donations or fundraisers in general, although I do mind feeling obligated. I also mind when its not a fundraiser that once reached, will be completed.
In this particular case, I find myself glad and irritated. You see, they are asking for donations to adopt a child. This couple has two of their own and they are a Christian family-- you know, righteous and all, except for the whole 'they conceived their first born out of wedlock' and but we should just ignore that sin I guess...
I'm glad they are stopping with two of their own, I think that's enough people to indoctrinate... But now they want their friends and family to donate so they can adopt a child through some Christian organization. So once they reach this goal ($5,000), are they going to ask us to help donate to raise the child? (Food, diapers, clothing, toys, etc.) If they can't afford to adopt, how can they afford to support it? And don't say 'God's love' or something ridiculous like that. Ugh.

Why I won't tell my "potential" future children about Santa Claus

It's a few days before Christmas and I had a thought. If I have children, I'm not going to tell them about Santa Claus. There are multiple reasons for this. But first, I'm not mean, ill spirited or a grinch. However, I am an atheist. And I studied Psychology and Anthropology in College. My views are shaped by the experiences I have had and the subjects I have studied. Simply stated, I believe that telling children about Santa Claus is perpetrating a lie. A lie that I was told, a lie that my parents were told. Did it hurt me? No. Did it cause me detriment? No. But it did make me think, what else have I been told is a lie? My parents lied to me, plain and simple. I just don't think that is right. Mostly because Santa isn't real and what he is described as is basically a god himself. He can see everything, speak all languages, deliver gifts all over the world in one night, etc. It's just not right.
I will tell my children who Santa Claus is. They will know the story, they will also know that parents are Santa Claus. They will also learn that not all children in the world get gifts. No one will (hopefully) break into our home the night of December 24 and leave presents behind. I believe in educating, not betrayal. Why tell your child a lie? Only to have to tell the truth later?
Oh and no creepy elves on shelves either.

Found this great animation

Surfing the web takes you to many places far and wide. I like to call it 'time traveling' because you end up spending far too much time on the computer and boom it's a few hours later! Found this short video and wanted to share it: http://www.upworthy.com/what-is-depression-let-this-animation-with-a-dog-shed-light-on-it