The little black dog made me do it

My experience with anti-depressive meds can be summed up with a sentence.  "I'm not currently on them."  A few years ago, after what felt like days of crying, heartache, laying in bed and pain all through my body, I finally summoned the courage to reach out to my doctor and make an appointment.  I was a fairly new patient, with a few routine checkups having been 'normal' in the past.  I was desperate and I asked for pills, anti-depression pills to treat my depression and anxiety.   Along with a prescription for Zoloft (My doctor's first choice, Prozac seemed too cliche), came prescriptions for meditation, thought journals, sunshine, a regular exercise regimen and follow up appointments for both my doctor and the psychiatrist.  Being the cynicist I am, my first thought was, "Boy this is going to be expensive!"  But my tear ducts felt dried up and my heart ached with sadness, so I hoped it would be worth it.

URL: http://olivelifestyle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/5cfa3ff4ab4f67c7c7a2942248980c65.jpeg

So I get the prescription, I start the group classes, I see the psychiatrist.  No one can really help because I'm just sad.  It's also winter, so they slap me with a side diagnosis of SAD or Seasonal Affective Disorder, which basically means that I'm human.  Really, I just can't take the gloomy weather.  It depresses the heck out of me, which made sense, but my current sadness goes much deeper that grey skies and clouds.  The pills start to kick in, and for the first time, I can't cry.  Seriously, weirdest shit ever, from crying non-stop to no tears is very bizzare.  That part of my brain that says "you're sad, you should CRY!" was simply gone.  It was nice because while I wasn't happy, at least I wasn't sad.  Unfortunately, I got a few awesome side effects.  Slicing pain above my right ear in my head.  So bad I had to stop what I was doing and just hold my hand for the duration of the pain (5-10 seconds).  I also got a great bout of nausea!  No action, just the feeling of being sick... for four months... straight.  I couldn't take it anymore so my doc switched my meds.  I said, "Anything I don't care, I just don't want to feel sick anymore," so he prescribed me Prozac.  It was fine because I wasn't nauseous but I still felt a little sad, I had a few other side effects and I really missed having a drink from time to time.  So after 7 months of Prozac, I told the doc I was done.  I weaned off and I stopped.  My charts are noted that I was "allergic" to Zoloft, which I find amusing.  I'm allergic to most every  other common prescription, let's throw anti-depressants on the list too.  In the last year, my doc prescribed me "use as needed" anxiety pills for "attacks" and I get different responses everytime.  The other day I took a .5 mg of Ativan for a horrible anxiety attack (which inspired my blog today!) and by Saturday at 2pm, I was cancelling plans with two different friends due to drowsiness.  I was zonked out!  Last time, I was able to work!  Poor chemical balance?  Probably.  Til next time...

how (not) to stretch a buck

I have a bunion. Gross, right? Ok, it's not so bad, its quite mild actually.  I still wear comfortable flip flops and open toe low heels when it's appropriate.  I get pedicures and no one ever mentions it.  I have considered and even talked to my doctor about getting it fixed.  However, I'm worried that new pains and discomfort will come out of the surgery.  I also find that it serves as a reminder of a time in my youth.  I grew up relatively poor.  I mean, we could make a dollar stretch but living in a home with a single mother and two kids, there wasn't always a lot left over for extras.   It wasn't until middle school that I realized how important having brand name 'things' were.  

If you were anyone, you had to have a Jansport backpack.  I figured this out early on, and when I saw them at Costco, I made the case to my mother that I needed one anyway (I really did, 6th grade was brutal) and that I would make the $20 backpack last for both 7th and 8th grade, instead of just 7th.  My goal wasn't to be popular, it was just to fit in.  Most of us had forest green, dark red, black and I was a rare soul with my prized teal colored backpack.

URL:  https://img0.etsystatic.com/000/0/5875987/il_fullxfull.298042828.jpg

Around the age of 13, I had started babysitting and of course this meant that the money I made was now contributed towards things that used to get purchased for me.  Like shoes. It was a month or so into the 8th grade and I needed new shoes.  I hated to ask for my mom to buy me anything as we really didn't have the money and she almost always found a way to make me feel guilty about it.  Well, we all wore "running" shoes back then, everyday.  Kids our age didn't accessorize, we just wore the same shoes everyday with a t-shirt and jeans.  Well, where were we when we found my shoes?  Costco.  But of course!  (I just wish I had known their return policy back then)  We bought what was a new arrival at the time, their women's 'Court Classic' low top running shoe in white.  Yup, a Costco shoe.  What was I thinking?  It was a few days before anyone pointed out that they had never heard of "Court Classic" the brand embroidered on the back of my blinding white shoes.  I wanted to melt into the floor. Absolutely mortified.  From that day on, I worked to keep a light layer of dust on them and hide them whenever possible.  The other kids wore Vans skater shoes, Nike athletic shoes and Adidas shell toes.  I wasn't even in a affluent neighborhood, those kids must have had parents who had had my same awful experience and saved their child from the same.  My mom was oblivious and just wanted to save a buck (I think the shoes were under $20).  I finally wore them out enough that I was allowed to get rid of them (and I triumphantly flung them in a dumpster!).

So when ninth grade rolled around, I wasn't going to make the same mistake.  Nope, I figured I had a under $20 budget for shoes and I was determined to find something name brand.  Not only were we huge Costco shoppers, we were also big Mervyn's shoppers.  (open, open open!)

URL: http://i1.ytimg.com/vi/ebD2r-8vo8Y/hqdefault.jpg 

Success!  I found a pair of vans skate shoes (I had and still have a 47" longboard that I rode to school so yes, it was appropriate).  A quick internet search tells me they were called the "Ethel" but I wasn't able to find a photo.  Anyway, they were very cool and unique, not leather, but more of an almost reflective vinyl material.  I think mine were in a dark teal (same color as a bag in 7th grade, but no worries, I had a blue one for 9th grade).  They were great and I think they were around $13, I found them on the clearance rack.  My greatest find!  There was one small problem....  they were a half size too small.  I figured that wasn't a big deal, perhaps I could wear thinner socks or they would break in.  Nope, a few months later I had caused irreversible damage to my left foot.  I now carry with me as a badge to my success in shopping and failure in knowing that my shoe size was indeed a half size larger, a bunion.  My husband has encouraged me to get it fixed and I've thought about it.  About the procedure, about the recovery (painful) and about the way my foot would look after (pretty!).  But, I think for now I will keep my bunion.  I hate it but its mine.  It's part of my journey.


UPDATE: I found this blog/article and it reminded me of this one I just wrote!  http://www.scarymommy.com/wisdom-born-in-the-80s/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+ScaryMommy+%28Scary+Mommy%29 

Cooking at home for the budget and the body

I usually feel guilty for eating out.   Ok, ok sometimes, also bloated.  Guilty that I spent money on something I could have made at home.  Now, I must make a few exceptions.  One is- Asian food.  Some Asian food, if you've tried to make it at home then you know it requires many small amounts of different frou-frou little spices and sauces.  For instance, Fish Sauce.  I will not buy Fish Sauce since I do not like or eat Fish.  However, I'm not exactly asking how the dish is prepared when I go out, so as long as it has 'chicken' in the title, I'm ok with it.  I just don't like cooking with so many little ingredients.  Tonight for instance, we're going out to Thai food.  I think it's much healthier than Chinese even though I LOVE Chinese food.  Maybe its the same-- health wise but either way I do not feel guilty for Thai, Chinese or Japanese (all I get is Chicken Teriyaki, and yes I use the fork).

The other is fancy food.  Fancy like stuff I don't make at home--- crepes for example.  Yum!  Also, I recently found a place that makes custard french toast.  It's to die for!!!  Pretty much worth any heart ailment you might have.  So that I'm ok with.  But I can cook most everything else.  BBQ not so much, I don't like to play with fire, so I ask my husband to do that.  He has ADD, so he's distracted easily and he's either hovering over the grill asking me if I think it's done yet or he's forgotten about it completely- and I find myself yelling at him to get off the computer and check on the meat.  Pastas, soups, chili, spaghetti, salad-- no problem.

Recently, I found a fantastic blog.  Which I highly recommend you read.  It's extreme, but if nothing else, I found it inspiring to take a close look at what I spend my money on and how to keep it.  He has a great recipe for salad dressing too: (scroll down a bit) http://www.mrmoneymustache.com/2013/04/18/the-amazing-waist-slimming-wallet-fattening-nutrient/

I've made it, and we were practically licking the bowl after we ran out of lettuce.  No seriously, its delicious.

#cooking #budget #health  #guilt

IT'S SCIENCE!

It's been a few rough days...  Sometimes its like that.  The little black dog was in full effect.  I did some reading and I think I found a bit of sunshine.

 'He observed that depression often arises when a person is pursuing an unattainable life goal, and often remits when that goal is achieved or given up. (Bibring, 1953).  This quote is from one of my favorite books from college, Evolutionary medicine by Wenda R. Travathan 1999.

What does it feel like to be depressed?  If you are reading this blog, perhaps you have experienced this feeling, or you are currently experiencing it.  Depression can last a short period of time, such as an evening, or a few days, usually following some sort of 'trigger', such as illness or death of a loved one.  Or maybe you are in my boat, where the depression is seemly from an accumulation of disappointments or failures over a long course of time.  Either way, it's just a somber feeling.  It's like I am dead inside .  On the outside, you see me, I'm not smiling but I'm here.  I don't even know if I'm trying to smile.  I'm just trying to survive the day. All I really want to do is avoid everyone, maybe lay in bed with the covers over my head and wish for the demons to leave me alone.  It truly is like a dark cloud is following you around, ready to soak you with angry rain at any moment.  In the longer stretches of depression, there may be some sunshine, a laugh shared with a spouse or a joke read on the internet.  But the smile fades quickly and then you are back to Sadville, population: you.

The best way I have found to fight this feeling is to listen to music.  I love dub reggae, reggae and even classic rock.  How can you not get excited when you hear Bob Seger's 'Old time Rock and Roll?'  it's awesome.  Maybe play it a few times over.  When I have a few extra bucks I enjoy traveling.  Just having something to look forward to keeps me going.  So plan it, pay for it and wait for the big day!!! 

#depression #sadness #anxiety #medication #anger

humans' basic needs

Back in 1943, a Psychologist named Abraham Maslow came up with an idea to explain humans' basic needs for survival.  Check it out:  
URL: http://timvandevall.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/Maslows-Hierarchy-of-Needs.jpg

This is a cartoon version of the original 5 section pyramid.  It was later depicted having 7 sections.  For simplicity, we'll just focus on this one for now.  Firstly, we need to eat, sleep, breathe and poop.  Ok, simple enough.  Ever see a movie where people are tortured by being tied or hung to a wall for days on end?  I always wondered if they were able to poop.  If they couldn't, they would die of toxicity.  Of course, they probably aren't being fed nor are able to sleep, not to mention their arms going numb from loss of blood from being 'up' so long.  So I figure they would last about 3 maybe 4 days like that?

Ok second section up on the pyramid.  Shelter and security.  So a small hut or large mansion, as long as it's not going to be taken away and you're good here.

The third section is love!!! So the Beatles were on the right track, but basically wrong, we need a little more than love.  We need to love and be loved.  Even if that means having a lot of cats...

URL: http://www.spendit.com/wp-content/uploads/Crazy-Cat-Lady-Starter-Kit.jpg

Ok, ok, we have spouses, boy friends, girl friends, Moms, Dads, siblings, you gotta have someone-- !!!  It's part of the pyramid!  If you don't have someone, get a pet.

Esteem.. Ooh, this is a toughie.  In my opinion, I think this is where most (depression) people suffer.  This is all about finding your place in the world.  As maybe a (good) mother or as a (hardworking) employee.  If your kids are out robbing liquor stores at age 14 and you are about to get fired from your job, you are a failure.  It's about striking a balance here, gotta give a lot to everything.  Gotta get your kids to soccer on time, gotta be the best kiss ass at work, every group that you interact with, you have got to put in a good effort so that you can have the 'minimum' esteem for survival.  This esteem provides reassurance that you belong, if you don't belong, then why be here at all?  (and there's the depression talking)

And lastly, Self-Actualization.  Very few people actually reach true 'self-actualization'.  First of all, it's always changing and second, it's about becoming all that you're capable of.  For some people, this means inventing a product that helps people get clean water all around the world, or maybe its smaller, like being an awesome father.  Maybe it's becoming a CEO of a Fortune 500 company.  It's achieving a said goal, and exceeding expectations.  I don't have huge aspirations in the workplace, I want to do a good job, but climbing up the ladder is not very important to me.  What is important is traveling and learning about people.  Sure, I want to help them too, but I'm still in the process of making myself stronger.  Gotta be strong so I can help others.

What are your goals and aspirations?  Have you overcome any obstacles worth sharing?  if so, SHARE!!!  and please, someone help me get rid of these cats! (Tiny George is not much of a watchdog)

Learning to live with less (a goal!) UPDATE

Well, I talked to the hubs and he agreed (reluctantly) that we have too much stuff (still).  This has actually been an ongoing process since we moved into the house just over a year ago.  We bought a 1700sq. ft. + size home and it took 2 of those 26' U-Haul trucks to move us out of his parents house and into our own.  Plus a few small truck loads and multiple loads in our sport wagon.  What the heck did we have???  Oh and that didn't include a full size pool table which came separately or about 15 boxes of Star Wars and other 'collectibles' that came out of his old closet which we brought over by car.  I say "collectibles" because a lot of the items are just items, they aren't all vintage or rare, they are just items (figures, vehicles) that exist to be made and purchased.  I'm not bitter at all... (right).
My husband thought about what we moved.  There was a sofa and loveseat, extra refrigerator,  large glass patio table, full size mattress/frame set, entertainment center, 2 shallow but tall DVD shelves from #IKEA, dining table and 4 chairs, and 4 large utility cabinets.  Through craigslist and garage sales, the sofa, patio table, full size bed and dining set are all gone.  So a lot of it was big items that probably took up half or most of one of the truck loads.  However, a 26' truck is supposed to be able to move a 4 bedroom house.  Um, how come I never have anything to wear if I have so much STUFF?
So the last couple nights we went through each DVD in our collection and asked 'Is this our favorite?' (of course White Chicks made the cut!) and we went through our books, clothes, shoes, coats, blankets, linens, extra kitchen items, bathroom things and we still have more to do.  We aren't even hoarders or pack rats, we just amassed a lot of stuff.  We still have the garage to go through again, and the side yard.  I gave us a deadline of two weeks because I plan to have a garage sale and donate what doesn't sell.  We tend to save up for large items we need, right now we desperately need a new love seat.
Having too much makes me cranky, doesn't find in with a #Minimalist mindset and definitely doesn't cater to the 'Modern' look (clean, crisp, fresh, etc.).  Plus I really want to downsize our house already.
Have you gone through this process yet?  Are you willing to?  Thoughts?

Learning to live with less (a goal!)

One of my goals is to learn to live with less.  I currently find myself in a situation where I have too much stuff.  I could have been happier purchasing a smaller home, on a smaller piece of land.  I don't use about 3 rooms in my house- one is empty!  There are closets in the bedrooms and the living area, no pantry and no attic or basement.  So I'm glad I can't pack it away and forget.  I am faced with my stuff (and my husband's!).  My mother-in-law essentially has 3 pantry areas.  And they are well stocked with baking goods, canned goods and coffee mugs, etc.  So she has everything and then some but I don't want that much space.  I have a cabinet that we use for canned goods/snacks.  I figure it keeps me from over-purchasing and for two people, I really don't need so much extra food on hand.  Now, we did add a large utility cabinet to the nook, but its not holding our food, just my brothers food and some extra kitchen utensils and our pots and pans because I have a very poor designed U shaped 9x10 kitchen.  And unlike my mother-in-law who has the counter space, I rarely bake.  So I don't own a rolling pin or muffin tins (gasp!).  I figure if I bake it, I'll eat it.  I just borrow what I need when I need it.

I used to be one of those people that had boxes of bathroom stuff stored (lotions, shaving cream, toothpaste...) I am just fascinated with it.  I've worked hard to organize and I've got it down to two and a travel size items box.  I practically live 5 walking minutes to a Target, I think it's ok if I run out of something.

My husband is a (huge) fan of Star Wars.  Yes, I knew this going in.  However, I was unaware just how much SW related items he had.  I think he could open a store-- or a museum.  But we've gone through it and he's made the tough decisions on what to keep and what to let go.  He kept about 1/3 of his large collection.  The problem is, it's been slow to sell.  Ebay and Craigslist are really the only channels besides garage sales to get this stuff gone.   We thought it would be easier.  So that whole mess is 'out' in the larger of the 3 rooms we don't use.  It's awful.  I don't want him to just give it away because he did spend money to acquire it, but I'm just so sick of seeing the mess everyday.

Collectively, we have a nice DVD collection (over 500) and a nice book collection spanning subjects such as Star Wars, How to write and film movies, Health, Nutrition, a few biographies, Cars, Anthropology and why religion is the worst thing ever created by humans-- more on that later.

I find I'm happiest when my bed is made, and the room is devoid of "stuff" i.e. the pile of comforters that need to be cleaned because the (real) dogs laid on them, the beautiful mailbox my Dad painted for us for our wedding reception which is filled with wedding cards we received.  There's also computer parts, because our computers and desks are in our room, and some other stuff that just has no home.  So much calmer when the room is empty.  Maybe I'll do that this evening, get rid of the extra stuff.  It might as well join the Star Wars stuff downstairs....

Perhaps this is too ambitious for a Monday? we'll see
#minimalization #minimalist #anxiety #depression #stuff #starwars