My experience with anti-depressive meds can be summed up with a sentence. "I'm not currently on them." A few years ago, after what felt like days of crying, heartache, laying in bed and pain all through my body, I finally summoned the courage to reach out to my doctor and make an appointment. I was a fairly new patient, with a few routine checkups having been 'normal' in the past. I was desperate and I asked for pills, anti-depression pills to treat my depression and anxiety. Along with a prescription for Zoloft (My doctor's first choice, Prozac seemed too cliche), came prescriptions for meditation, thought journals, sunshine, a regular exercise regimen and follow up appointments for both my doctor and the psychiatrist. Being the cynicist I am, my first thought was, "Boy this is going to be expensive!" But my tear ducts felt dried up and my heart ached with sadness, so I hoped it would be worth it.
So I get the prescription, I start the group classes, I see the psychiatrist. No one can really help because I'm just sad. It's also winter, so they slap me with a side diagnosis of SAD or Seasonal Affective Disorder, which basically means that I'm human. Really, I just can't take the gloomy weather. It depresses the heck out of me, which made sense, but my current sadness goes much deeper that grey skies and clouds. The pills start to kick in, and for the first time, I can't cry. Seriously, weirdest shit ever, from crying non-stop to no tears is very bizzare. That part of my brain that says "you're sad, you should CRY!" was simply gone. It was nice because while I wasn't happy, at least I wasn't sad. Unfortunately, I got a few awesome side effects. Slicing pain above my right ear in my head. So bad I had to stop what I was doing and just hold my hand for the duration of the pain (5-10 seconds). I also got a great bout of nausea! No action, just the feeling of being sick... for four months... straight. I couldn't take it anymore so my doc switched my meds. I said, "Anything I don't care, I just don't want to feel sick anymore," so he prescribed me Prozac. It was fine because I wasn't nauseous but I still felt a little sad, I had a few other side effects and I really missed having a drink from time to time. So after 7 months of Prozac, I told the doc I was done. I weaned off and I stopped. My charts are noted that I was "allergic" to Zoloft, which I find amusing. I'm allergic to most every other common prescription, let's throw anti-depressants on the list too. In the last year, my doc prescribed me "use as needed" anxiety pills for "attacks" and I get different responses everytime. The other day I took a .5 mg of Ativan for a horrible anxiety attack (which inspired my blog today!) and by Saturday at 2pm, I was cancelling plans with two different friends due to drowsiness. I was zonked out! Last time, I was able to work! Poor chemical balance? Probably. Til next time...
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