Just living

I'm not sure how long I've felt this way.  The running joke is that I "came out with a displeased look" upon birth.  It says something like that in my baby book.  Since my mother and I aren't "friends" anymore (more on that later) I can't exactly ask her or see the book.  Either I knew what I was in for, or I'm just a natural skeptic, maybe both.  Contradictory? Yes.  Of course there have been good times, ones which I hope to share, to help balance this whole thing out.  I'm one of those rare types that haven't had some earth shattering bad thing to happen to me, which caused so much pain and anxiety.  A few years ago, while in a particularly bad depressive episode, my doctor prescribed me some anti-depressant meds and told me to attend 6 weeks of group therapy sessions with other people (also on the pills) and going through depressive times, to help sort out what was wrong.  There were about 10 of us.  Every day, I came in and sat down.  I was handed a piece of paper with pictures of expressive faces on them.  I was asked to choose which face most closely represented my feelings.  Mine was usually the face with the flat smile.  Not up, not down, just a straight line.  After that, we were asked to share about our feelings out loud, or just tell how we were doing.  Most everyone had some recent turn of events, death of a loved one, divorce, child was recently diagnosed as terminally ill... you get the point.  Me?  I'm just like "Um, yeah I'm just sad.  Really sad.  Nothing is inherently wrong with my life.  I have a place to live, my bills are paid, my car has gas in it, and I'm basically healthy. I'm just really sad and can't snap out of it.  I cry and cry and cry.  I don't have suicidal thoughts, I just don't want to be here or really anywhere."  That was about 2-3 years ago.
I'm still here, just living...  Trying to get through each day.  Which is sad in itself.  It's not easy to let go of the emotion you've known your whole life.  Some days are better than others.  Work stress, home stress, relationship stress.  It all takes a toll.  It's how you process it.  When you have a problem, it's better to speak up.  I can't tell you how many times something rude has been said to me and I didn't say anything.  Then later I find myself pissed and fuming.  I'm wondering why I allowed this person to hurt me.  Why me?  I'm always having crappy things said to me or about me and I don't think I'm so bad but I'm just a moving target I suppose.  It could also be because I don't speak up.  And in doing so, I am essentially giving my 'attacker' permission to hurt me in the future.  This may be the hardest lesson I ever learn in my life.  I'm 30 and I still haven't got the hang of it.  Maybe when I'm 60 I will look back and say hey, those last 30 years were better than the first because I stopped letting people hurt me! #pain #sadness #depression #anxiety #medication #skeptic #stress